What Kind Of Person Owns (Ha Ha!) A Dachshund?

Something Wagging This Way Comes, one of my favorite blogs, set me to thinking when she broached the subject of matching dog breeds to people on her blog the other day. I mean, really, what does owning a Wiener dog say about you? What if you own SIX of the little…you know….effers? I thought, and thought, and thought about this, for like ten seconds, and here’s what I came up with:

1). You’re masochistic and enjoy being humbled by an animal.

“You will obey.”

2). You give up rights, rib eye steak, sleep, dignity, couches and chairs, sheepskin slippers, and anything else the Wiener may covet. Freely. Without hesitation. In fact, you offer.

(Even small children understand what’s at stake. But not you.)

3). You enjoy knowing your dog of 15 years will happily go home with the first stranger who pets him and tells him he’s adorable.

Izzy: “Hello hello hello hello hello hello hello!”
Human:”He’s so adorable!”
Owner:”Glad you like him. Wait’ll you open your car door.”
Phoebe (the black one snuggling against the stranger’s knee): “I love her. What’s her name?”

4). You love a dog that is intelligent, independent…ok, bloody minded….and will live so long you’ll be well acquainted with elder issue solutions long before you need to apply them to your parents.

(Old Wiener, diapers, stuffed German Shepard girlfriend. Some things transcend species.)

5). You don’t mind entertaining a dog with the attention span of a gnat unless food or squirrels are involved.

“I know you, you’re holding a Wild Catch Pacific Salmon Grass Fed Filet Mignon Infused Treat!! …….Do you still live here?”

6). You are imbued with the optimism of a lion in a herd of sleeping zebras, and so on day 3746 of potty training your Dachshund, you come downstairs in the morning barefoot and without your flashlight. You also, in your blissful ignornance, fail to note that “Potty training” actually refers to teaching a child to use the toilet, not a dog to go outside. The fact that the dog, intuiting your thinking here, sees the house as one giant toilet facility, is beyond your grasp, and you fail to begin HOUSE TRAINING, ever.

(Mi casa es su toilette.)

7). You consider jumping up and attending to their every whim a form of service comparable to adjusting the Pope’s robe at the Easter Mass in front of thousands.

” I’ll take my dinner upstairs. Yes, you.”

8). Ok, you’re not Catholic….You consider jumping up and attending to their every whim an excellent form of exercise. You hope they will have lots of whims everyday. You are never disappointed.

“Where’s my blanket?”

9). You fail to see the social disapproval when you show strangers pictures of your Wieners when they ask to see pictures of your Grandchildren. Of course, we all know nobody actually asks to see pictures of your grandchildren, you’re just in line at Target checking your cell phone for messages when..whoops! Clicked on Photostream, and there they are! Might as well share with all the people in line trying to manage their unruly children.

10). You never tire of doing 1 through 9. Because you’re not really all there, are you? And your Wieners know it,and have agreed to be your friends, anyway. And this makes you happy and One with the Universe.

There are worse things.

“Hee hee. I don’t even have to walk. Life is good.”


15 thoughts on “What Kind Of Person Owns (Ha Ha!) A Dachshund?

  1. Haha, I read things like this and think Nola must be a fluke! She’s bossy and loud, proud and ballsy, but other than that she’s damn near perfect.

    • Darn, I always worried, see, in the back of my mind, in that little mental closet where you hide all the humiliating stuff you hope will never see the light of day, that after all is said and done, it’s me, me alone….like, maybe son-of-vet hubby is right, I really know nothing about dogs…it’s my fault my wieners are the way they are, and are, in fact, getting worse almost daily! (Descending here into pathetic self pitying sobs of despair). I hope you’re happy, Dachshund Nola!

      (Naaaahhh, just kidding. It’s really the dogs. They’re horrible, but I love them.).

  2. I have just the one Weiner, and I have to compare him daily with a sweet Labster who gets less crazy as she ages, and a well-trained sweet pit bull. So, he is a fiend in black-and-tan fuzz. He gets away with all this s$&t and worse. My favorite problem you haven’t listed is bending over to pick him up five times a night.

    I can do that in my sleep now. So I think training is excellent…meaning I am an excellent Trainee.

    • Oh good, a fellow tortured Wiener owner. Why do we keep them? It’s just bizarre the way they can crawl into our lives and act with impunity! Keep your Lab, and Pit, so u will remain grounded.

    • Nice try, Bro. It worked until the commercial break, then I saw you. Hey, you wanted him, lol. If it’s any consolation, his mother is loads better than the rest. She’s actually house broken. In fact, she and Izzy, who was finally trained by age ten, alert when one of the others, namely old Fritz with weak kidneys, screws up.

  3. I am looking for a diaper like the one you have in the picture about for my wiener dog. Can you tell me where you got that please?

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