Here it is, once again, or in case you’re new to mylifewithwieners, my Holiday gift to all my friends, family and readers, the definitive look at life with Six F—ng dogs in the kitchen…..and the Big Dog. I can’t make this stuff up.
Dec 24th 2011: 2PM: Race home from work on icy roads 6000 feet above sea level. Contemplate getting to daughter’s sea level home within the next 2 hours with Christmas presents, Plum Pudding with Brandy Hard Sauce, and 6 Weiner dogs with beds, food, water bowls, faux fur blankets and treats. Also Grumpy Husband.
2:30 PM: Almost down South Grade. Snap cell phone pic of 6 terrified Weiners sliding from one end of the bench seat to the other as Grumpy Husband does impersonation of Daytona Devil in 15 foot passenger van on South Grade switchbacks. Send to daughter, big ha ha.
2:31 PM: Mercedes pukes.
2:32PM: Phoebe projectile vomits into $200 leather Lucky hand bag sitting on floor. Particles hit Grumpy Husband’s open Pepsi. No photo taken.
3:00 PM: Fritz plays Poor Blind Weiner card, successfully whining his way onto lap to do Wiener Window Lean. Other dogs protest obvious injustice with incessant barking.
3:01PM: Driver executes Backhanded Fucking Dogs!#$@! Swipe . Truck driver in other lane executes One Finger Fucking Asshole!#$@! Salute.
3:20PM: Arm with 16 pounds of Dead Weiner Weight plopped on it seriously fails to respond to brain cues. Catch out of corner of eye Izzy sliding silently and slowly off bench seat.
3:20:05: Watch helplessly as Izzy fixes demented vengeful “Fuck You” gaze on Blind Fritz (irony) lolling on now completely dead arm and GAZING OUT WINDOW (irony complete) and pisses on Fritz’s Teddy-Bear -Cum-Girlfriend on floor.
3:20:10: Contemplate choices: (1) Yell at Izzy (2) Keep quiet so Driver doesn’t know van has new piss spot (3) break into jar of Brandy Hard Sauce with big spoon.
4:00PM: Arrive Ocean Beach, 6 Weiner dogs sitting on lap. Entire body numb. Watch Grumpy Husband chug last of Pepsi.