This is the Weiners favorite subject. They are always eager to discuss in depth their real and perceived grievences, so they all pile on the couch and take turns licking me to get me nice and buttered up. They love these sessions, even though nothing ever gets resolved. It’s like the girls getting together for lunch to gripe about their husbands and kids: nothing changes, but everybody feels a lot better. Franny suggests that in the spirit of girlfriend lunches, we should all have a couple Salty Dogs. I’m happy to pour.
Since we’re already on the couch, everyone wants to get into the subject of Couch Seating Protocol. But first they want me to review their list of gripes,and, by extension, their opposites, which are things they like. Bitching is sacrosanct behavior, however, so the list is presented in terms of Weiner dislikes. Therefore, the Wiener Woe List:
Dog sweaters and coats. Redundant.
Doors that don’t open when stared at.
Dusk to dawn coyote curfew. Why do the bad guys get to party?
Stale treats, cheap treats,vet treats, no treats, in that order.
Cows. ( I have no idea).
Oatmeal pans that go from the table to the dishwater without the customary floor stop.
Hairballs ( cats) as a general subject.
Car rides that don’t include McDonald’s.
Car rides that don’t include piss ‘n sniff stops.
Car rides that don’t include fully rolled down windows for a good, decent ear flapping.
Fences and squirrels beyond fences.
Rain days, snow days and home alone days.
And Fritz’s biggest “Urk”, the public humiliation of blind dog head gear and old dog diapers.
And that’s just the stuff off the top of their heads. There appears to be no end to the things that disturb their Zen calm and need rectifying.
Rather like people.