Practicing “Silence” With Six Wise Wiener Dogs, Two Conscious Cats And Seven Zen Hens

  • (The other day my Yogi friend suggested I do a Day of Silence while my husband Doc was on his vacation in Wisconsin visiting old friends. Or looking for sympathy,to be more accurate and who can blame him?

Blissed Out Dogs

Anyway, that meant no TV, no music, no talk, no text, no phone calls, complete silence. It’s supposed to calm you and put you in touch with your spiritual self. I have no idea why she thought I, of all people, needed this. But it actually appealed to me on some cellular level, so I told her I would give it a try. This is what happened.)

6 AM Wake up to happy knowledge that today will exert some control over chaotic life by practicing SILENCE. TAKING CHARGE!! First resolution to achieve SILENCE success: will not curse Wiener dogs no matter what they deposited on floor during night.

6:02 AM Poop pile on freshly laundered rug. Bite tongue. Painful. Resolutely swallow “yelp”.

6:30AM- Call dogs to morning treats with whistle. All come!! Feel may have gift for adapting old habits to demands of new SILENCE. Resolve to try hand signals to direct Wiener activity. Stifle inappropriate laughter.

7:00 AM Cuff Izzy for lifting leg on Fritz’s teddy bear- girlfriend. Hand signals work!

9:00 AM Breakfast, make bed, sweep floors. No TV or music. No chattering two- coffee pot – up-at-4 AM-hubby. Very quiet. Very, very quiet. Wieners visibly nervous. Take outside to feed chickens. Snap fingers and whistle in lieu of spoken commands. Dogs giving me a wide berth. Izzy thinks I’m doing dance moves, barks hysterically. Chickens see me, run to get corn. Don’t care that I am not clucking at them encouragingly, just want their corn. Talking Ego starts slow slide to Slightly Affronted Ego.

9:20 AM Sitting watching chickens and dogs. Meditative. I can do this!

9:20:03 AM Mind wanders like lost child on playground. Brain and mind hold scintillating conversation. Ruminate on relationship between language and thought, i.e., if I step painfully on a pointy rock, as I just did, does the pain register simultaneously with the concept of rock+foot+pain or did that concept require language for pain-sensing brain organ to inform Mind?? Note slight lag time between painful rock/foot encounter and actual thought in English, “FUCK!! That hurt!”, although instant query in English is like nano seconds like birth of Universe, really, Big Bang? How male is that concept maybe it was a slow build up maybe there was a gathering first, Female Principle why else do they clam up when asked well, yeah but what came BEFORE big bang see there thinking in spelled out words can visualize letters of words simultaneously as I get thoughts really simultaneous? can Mind hold two separate and distinct thoughts at the same time or are they inevitably related like exits and entrances on a freeway wonder where is Doc now when he called he was on I 40 I should call him but am doing SILENCE only Mind sounds like Dodger Stadium 2 out bottom of 9th bases loaded Dad loved Chargers but that’s football loved Padres OWWWW another @#%&&!!!! ROCK!

11:00 AM Putting up last of corrugated fiber glass patio panels. Very focused on not falling off ladder. Quiet Mind. This is working. SILENCE all around except for sound of power drill. Wiener dogs quiet. Must be contagious. One with Universe. Ego restoration.

11:23 AM Cannot believe I just uttered, OUT LOUD, the words “OK, one more then I’m done”. One demerit. That’s ok, one’s ok.

1:00 PM Friend leaves message on phone saying promised Mark he would call to see if I’m OK. Great quandary: do I call back so he won’t worry or wait until tomorrow?

1:01 PM Snap at Mokie for snapping at Fritz over feed bowl. SHIT! Two demerits!

1:01:08 PM Phone rings, it’s Doc. Haven’t talked to him in 3 days. OK, need to exit SILENCE for good cause. Determine hubby more important than advancement in corralling home chaos for now. Decide to call back friend and might as well make that hair appointment, in for a penny in for a pound.

1:30 PM Return to SILENCE. Observe relative calm in home. Dogs barking much less than normal. Canine walnut-size brain obviously better at this than mine. Ego takes small hit

2:00 PM Lay on bed in back room with cats. Observe cats are naturals at SILENCE. Only speak when absolutely necessary. Little cat feet, little cat moves, little cat games, all done SILENTLY. They also sleep a lot. Am totally relaxed. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4:PM Wake up. Observe blood pressure in single digits. Contemplate having glass of wine but pretty sure would render me unconscious. Not missing TV at all. Feel sublimely content.

5:00 PM Take dogs out. Try to get them to all come in with subtle then ever larger, more sweeping hand signals, but they’ve decided, with perfect canine logic, I have no voice so they don’t have to listen. Humiliate self by smacking lips and pointing finger in open mouth to pantomime treats they’ll get if they come with me NOW. Alarmed at how fast every single dog gets drift immediately and races me to house. Re-evaluate canine brain size.

6:00 PM Outside again to close chicken coop, turn off sprinkler. Sit in blue chicken-watching chair. Observe 7 hens roosting on tall ladder in chick yard, little faces raised to rosy glow of setting sun. They do not cluck. They do not move. They are practicing SILENCE. Probably meditating and connecting on some cellular level with Universal Consciousness and entering a rare State of Bliss, too. Ego shrivels in face of Chicken Zen.

8:00 PM Resolve to take to heart lessons of day. Do SILENCE re-do tomorrow with fewer lapses. Pay attention to Wiener Wisdom, Chicken Zen, Cat Consciousness. Maybe find some Sagacious Squirrels with something to say.

8:30 PM Go outside and call Zulu. “Herrre Kitty Kitty Kitty!”. Voice sounds small and far away. Appropriately, am ignored. Go inside, check out totally blissed dogs. Call it a day in Yogi World.


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