FRANNY AND THE FUNDING FATHERS

Ann Sowards:

Just in time for the election, in case you missed it the first time!

Originally posted on mylifewithwieners:

Sometimes when I’m watching the Sunday morning talk shows, Franny joins me on the couch with her favorite bone. She brings it along because I once said, with great passion, ” Now I really have a bone to pick with Stephanopoulos!” (Franny’s smart, but there always seems to be a weird disconnect when she tries to barge into my world.) Anyway, today we were watching the talk on the latest Supreme Court ruling. I gave her the rundown: rich people, at least people richer than us, want everyone to be able to give as many bones as they want to anyone they want elected to office. Of course, most of us don’t have a bone to spare, but that’s not the point. We’re talking the Constitution here, I told her.

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” So how many bones would I need to get if I wanted to be head of Animal Control?” she asked…

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Franny Parses the Government Shutdown

Originally posted on mylifewithwieners:

The day after the government shutdown, I noticed Franny morosely mooching around in her blanket nest. Quickly, as I have been trained to do, I flipped her a rawhide chewy, thinking that’s what she was hunting for. She didn’t even look at it, just kept harrumphing around and around, until her nest was perfect, a sure sign something was eating at her and only frantic nest-building would relieve the stress. I sighed, laid down my book, and asked her what was wrong.

‘ Gurrruuuorawrawra,’ she mumbled.

” What? What was that?” I asked. She wearily raised her head from her paws and gave me the usual pitying look when I fail to read her mind. She always knows exactly what I’m thinking, and believes its a lack of seriousness of purpose that keeps me from reciprocating. I tried to get my book back up in front of my eyes before…

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DOG DAY AFTERNOON

Originally posted on mylifewithwieners:

I stepped out of my life for a moment this afternoon, and what I saw was not pleasant. At least for my ego. I know, I know, I’ve been on a quasi zen-Buddhist-Jedi mission to kill off my ego for some time now, actually since my thirties when I had that wierd dream about offing little egos disguised as babies. Egos are REALLY tough to snuff out unless you’re, like, dead already and the Universe has revealed its secrets and the ego is waving goodbye, a superflous appendage, now, as you drift happily into that white light. I’m not there yet. I cringe when someone says something mean to me and sometimes I want to cry when I look in a mirror. I buy clothes with the sole purpose of soothing my battered and bruised aging ego. And this afternoon I took a big hit when I realized that my…

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A LITTLE WIENER AND HIS BALL…a love story

“Hello! Have you seen Ball?”

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“Sort of small, orange skin, squeaks?”

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“Always hiding?”

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“I love her so much…”

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“l left her right here last night!”

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“Yes, right here.”

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“Up there?”

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“No?”

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“Oh, you have Ball!”

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“Yes yes yes! Waiting!”

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“Still….waiting…..”

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“Oh! Ball!!”
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“Don’t leave me!”

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“I love you, Ball!”

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“I can’t believe I gave birth to him. And no, I did not have a wild night with a Labrador. Worse, he could stunt double that stupid rodent in Ice Age. He’s sweet, too. I don’t do “sweet”. Simply appalling.”

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FRANNY AND THE FUNDING FATHERS

Sometimes when I’m watching the Sunday morning talk shows, Franny joins me on the couch with her favorite bone. She brings it along because I once said, with great passion, ” Now I really have a bone to pick with Stephanopoulos!” (Franny’s smart, but there always seems to be a weird disconnect when she tries to barge into my world.) Anyway, today we were watching the talk on the latest Supreme Court ruling. I gave her the rundown: rich people, at least people richer than us, want everyone to be able to give as many bones as they want to anyone they want elected to office. Of course, most of us don’t have a bone to spare, but that’s not the point. We’re talking the Constitution here, I told her.

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” So how many bones would I need to get if I wanted to be head of Animal Control?” she asked, gnawing away.
” That’s not the point”, I reiterated.
“Sounds like the point”, she said, cracking away at the marrow.
“No, it’s about freedom of speech. Money…bones…is speech.”
“So if you give me a lot of bones, I can bark all I want?”
” Yeah, I guess you could say that.” I was already tired of this conversation. She needed to be on Meet The Press. She’s like a dog with a bone when it comes to making her point. Yeah, yeah, bad pun.

Franny wasn’t finished. She looked at me speculatively.

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“So let me get this straight. If I asked all the dogs in the neighborhood to give me all their bones, I could bark day and night? More than anybody else? Is there a rule that says if you don’t have a bone, you can’t bark? “

“Sort of”,I mumbled. I sighed, and made the poor decision to engage.

“Let’s just say the more bones you have, the bigger a dog you must be, right? So when you bark, the other dogs pay attention. You bark at the strange guy cutting through your neighborhood, they all do too. Maybe chase him because you say so.”

“Hmmm,” said Franny, grinning a little. “I like it. How do I get them to give me all their bones, though? “

” You only have to promise them more bones back than they ever saw before in their lives”, I said.

“But what if I can’t?”

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I thought about it, then laughed.

“In that case, you don’t get re-elected, but all the big dogs know you’re an expert on collecting big piles of bones, so you go work for them and make even more piles!” Thinking we were done, I started to channel surf the talk shows. Franny watched, her peach pit size reptilian brain seizing on the idea of bone piles filling the house. Disdainfully, she pushed the old, used up bone off the couch. She jumped down to begin planning her campaign, but turned with a final question.

” Is this dogocracy?” she asked, proud to have been paying attention.

” You mean, democracy?” I asked, amused at her mistake. She didn’t answer, but looked at me with a faraway look in her eyes.

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“Those Funding Fathers sure knew what they were doing”, she breathed, with admiration.

“Founding”, I corrected, clicking on a channel. “Founding Fathers.”

“Funding,” she repeated. I rolled my eyes. She winked. “The Funding Fathers of a dog-eat-dog world. That’s right up my alley. Grrrrrrrrrr. Gimme your bones.”

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What Kind Of Person Owns (Ha Ha!) A Dachshund?

Something Wagging This Way Comes, one of my favorite blogs, set me to thinking when she broached the subject of matching dog breeds to people on her blog the other day. I mean, really, what does owning a Wiener dog say about you? What if you own SIX of the little…you know….effers? I thought, and thought, and thought about this, for like ten seconds, and here’s what I came up with:

1). You’re masochistic and enjoy being humbled by an animal.

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“You will obey.”

2). You give up rights, rib eye steak, sleep, dignity, couches and chairs, sheepskin slippers, and anything else the Wiener may covet. Freely. Without hesitation. In fact, you offer.

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(Even small children understand what’s at stake. But not you.)

3). You enjoy knowing your dog of 15 years will happily go home with the first stranger who pets him and tells him he’s adorable.

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Izzy: “Hello hello hello hello hello hello hello!”
Human:”He’s so adorable!”
Owner:”Glad you like him. Wait’ll you open your car door.”
Phoebe (the black one snuggling against the stranger’s knee): “I love her. What’s her name?”

4). You love a dog that is intelligent, independent…ok, bloody minded….and will live so long you’ll be well acquainted with elder issue solutions long before you need to apply them to your parents.

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(Old Wiener, diapers, stuffed German Shepard girlfriend. Some things transcend species.)

5). You don’t mind entertaining a dog with the attention span of a gnat unless food or squirrels are involved.

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“I know you, you’re holding a Wild Catch Pacific Salmon Grass Fed Filet Mignon Infused Treat!! …….Do you still live here?”

6). You are imbued with the optimism of a lion in a herd of sleeping zebras, and so on day 3746 of potty training your Dachshund, you come downstairs in the morning barefoot and without your flashlight. You also, in your blissful ignornance, fail to note that “Potty training” actually refers to teaching a child to use the toilet, not a dog to go outside. The fact that the dog, intuiting your thinking here, sees the house as one giant toilet facility, is beyond your grasp, and you fail to begin HOUSE TRAINING, ever.

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(Mi casa es su toilette.)

7). You consider jumping up and attending to their every whim a form of service comparable to adjusting the Pope’s robe at the Easter Mass in front of thousands.

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” I’ll take my dinner upstairs. Yes, you.”

8). Ok, you’re not Catholic….You consider jumping up and attending to their every whim an excellent form of exercise. You hope they will have lots of whims everyday. You are never disappointed.

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“Where’s my blanket?”

9). You fail to see the social disapproval when you show strangers pictures of your Wieners when they ask to see pictures of your Grandchildren. Of course, we all know nobody actually asks to see pictures of your grandchildren, you’re just in line at Target checking your cell phone for messages when..whoops! Clicked on Photostream, and there they are! Might as well share with all the people in line trying to manage their unruly children.

10). You never tire of doing 1 through 9. Because you’re not really all there, are you? And your Wieners know it,and have agreed to be your friends, anyway. And this makes you happy and One with the Universe.

There are worse things.

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“Hee hee. I don’t even have to walk. Life is good.”

The Photo Op

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“OK, this is really not a good time to do this.”

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“I really don’t want to do this right now.”

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“Hellooo!”

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“Maybe if I lick his hand….he’ll hear me.”

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“Maybe if I lick…..yummmmm! …..my nose……he’ll hear me.” [wiener logic]

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“Maybe if I bite his hand…”

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“PLEEEAASE can I get down now!! I reaaaalllly have to pee!! Please Please Please! “

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“Apparently not. Whatever you do, don’t squeeze me.”